The Elephant In the Brothel
12 February 1999
He walked into the room. The lights changed colour. An elephant jumped out of the mirror which plated the ceiling. Splat went the naked woman who lay on the bed spread eagle and eagerly waiting the mammoth trunk that Michael was carrying into the room. She had not been prepared for anything quite so large and heavy. Nor had the bed which broke beneath her. The wooden floor beneath the bed was indifferent to the beastly burden.
The elephant, which had been previously exploring a tropical rainforest on a yet unfrozen Pluto, was somewhat surprised to find itself so removed from its natural habitat. In fear, it released the rather acidic contents of its bladder, burning a hole through the previously complacent floor. In a spirit of rebellious animosity, the floor stretched open its gaping hole and the elephant was swallowed alive. It sounded a defiant trumpeting roar as it went down, but the floor was mindless and the chair gave its approval. Thus down went the Plutonian visitor whose brief visit was both unexpected and short-lived.
Michael put his suit case on what was left of the floor. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the proceedings he had just witnessed. Okay, beasts had an annoying habit of abording from mirrors every few days. That he could live with. He wasn't quite sure what to think about mirrors on the ceiling however. He had never actually witnessed such placement, only heard about people doing such in the occasional bedtime stories his mother used to read him, and everyone knew that such fables were not real life. But here it was and an elephant just pranced out. If the elephant had waited only ten minutes longer, maybe even only a minute longer, and Michael would have been on that bed. The whole idea made Michael feel nervous and edgy.
Well, Michael wasn't the sort to let something little like this ruin his day. Why, just a week ago a whale plunged out of the living room mirror and crushed his poor little dog named Fluffy. It also filled his living room to a rather awkward degree so he hadn't been able to get to certain portions of his house. He called the ASPCA and left his front door wide open as he left home for a tour of Hades. Unfortunately, the brochures were rather inaccurate and he found himself more than mildly disappointed. So he spent his last fifty dollars on lottery tickets and won a free trip to an obscure little brothel in the Rocky Mountains. And before he could enjoy himself, an elephant had to leap on his date.
This really wouldn't do at all. He was going to go complain to the management this very instant. Surely they couldn't go around disappointing their guests this way, it couldn't be good for business.
Michael walked down the giant strand of DNA which made a passable stairwell. On the way in, the hostess had insisted this was a genuine part of her great-granddaddy's fifth mistress's genetic code. Her great-granddaddy knew some real freaks, he did. Was kind of intimate with most of them too. Never mind that the fifth mistress was a slime beast from Formula Five out in the Inner Way Galaxy; "Slime beasts need their share of loving too," he said. Mable, her great-grandmommy, didn't really buy that argument too well, but there were wills to pay and nobody knew how to give her a good pounding quite like great-granddaddy did. So Mable stayed, the mistresses stayed, and when all was said, done, and gone, this sample of DNA stayed.
Sharon, the hostess, was suprised to see Michael walk down again so soon. Kathy was a fast worker, but Sharon ain't ever seen anyone in and out of there in less than a minute before. And what's this guy doin' coming to her House if he's going to shoot his load so quickly? It's an insult to her profession, that's what this is. "Hey honey, what you doin' back here so fast? Your fly stuck or something?"
"Kathy was just crushed by an elephant. Did I just come all this way out here to see a woman crushed by an elephant? People don't come to brothels to see that sort of thing. I'd like to register a complaint."
"An elephant? There must be some mistake. We don't allow pets in this building."
"I think someone forgot to tell the elephant. It jumped through the mirror and landed on Kathy before the floor swallowed it."
"The floor swallowed the elephant? Our floors are better behaved than that. We've had these floors since my great-granddaddy installed that there DNA strand and we ain't ever had any complaints about our floors. There was even the day when Samuel drove his tractor trailer straight on up to Candy's room and the floors didn't even squirm. And now you are saying one decided to devour an elephant? I'll tell you, mister, we have the best fed floors on this side of the Mason-Dixon and even if our floors get hungry, they won't be swallowin' no damn elephants. Maybe a mouse or a rat. Maybe even the occasional customer, but I assure you sir, our floors do not swallow elephants and if you insist upon slanderin' our establishment this way, I'll have to ask you to leave."
"Are you calling me a lyre? It's true that I've been a violin, a saxophone, a clarinet, a guitar, a drum kit, a piano, and even several forms of harp, but I've never been a lyre in my life. Nor have I ever been so insulted. Do you treat all your customers this way or only those that come here on a scholarship?"
"Get out! I won't have you using words like saxophone or scholarship in this House! Where do you think you are? Some fancy shmancy university? You'd better watch your filthy tongue, young man, before I go gettin' myself a pair of scissors. We serve over a thousand in here every day and I'm not goin' to put up with that sort of abuse."
Sharon depressed a little black button located on the underside of her altar and a spring-loaded juggernaut popped out of the closet to Michael's left. The three frowning eyes in the 'nauts forehead spoke encyclopedias about how much Michael had worn out his welcome. Well, Michael wasn't born yesterday - in fact, he wasn't scheduled for birth for another fifty years - but he did know how to take a hint. He also knew how to take a breath mint and a tattered umbrella. Right now, he engaged in taking all three as he made his exit via stage left.
As the wolves and tigers fell from the heavens, the umbrella wasn't faring very well. It was coated in animal's blood as several of the animals needed a violent detergent to keep them from Michael's path. Michael swore that if he lived through the day he would become a devout consumer of Woolite Extra Strength. Eventually he got to his helicopter, parked a few feet to the right of where he left it. Helicopters are wont to do that now and again, and what's a few feet between friends.
Michael started the chopper and the falling beasts became mincemeat in the rotating blades. Several butchers left their shops to start picking up the scraps. What vultures! But soon they were out of sight as Michael approached the moon.