Life Sucks, Then Your Killed By a Kamikazefrom Outer Space
by Brian Matthew Kessler (Ed, HB,Ch 1,Ch 5, Appendix)
David Kessler (Ch 2)
Mike Coburn (Ch 3)
Marc Steven Cohen (Ch 4)
Your Name (Ch ?)
It is currently Juprilos 89, 11247 ZB. I'm not quite sure what the ZBstands for. I am lead to believe it means something in the tongue of theHiproh, but nobody knows the tongue of the Hiproh. Even fewer people knowwhat a Hiproh is, and those that do will tell you that the Hiproh don'treally have tongues. All that can be currently said about the Hiproh isthat they claim responsibility for the intergalactic calendar acceptedby most of the Whiyar Federation. (This whole story is translated fromstandard Whiyarian. Any errors in understanding any part of this storymay come from a translation error on our part, or a lack of intelligenceon yours... when in doubt, assume the former, but it is probably the latter.)
The Earth calendar, if it was still in use, might date it to be somewherearound May 12, 75551 A.D., but nobody can say for sure since nobody caresabout that dead little planet, except a couple billion dead Earthlingshere and there and a couple overly sentimental living ones which are separatedby vast miles of space and don't have enough of a voice to really be considered.Even if they weren't both coincidently mute, they still wouldn't have enoughof a voice. Even if they were to be considered, it wouldn't bring thatball of dirt back to life anyway.
Earth was destroyed on Dacwar 5, 365 (That might be about December 13,2415) when a couple Martians got sick of hearing that there was no lifeon Mars over the radio. They launched a nuclear missile towards Earth andstated "There is no life on Earth!" The human government insisted thatthe Martians were not attacking since they did not exist. They explainedthe missile as a freak natural phenomena, but that did not stop the missilefrom destroying the entire planet.
Whiyar Federation conquered Earth on around Hosim 12, 323 (approximatelyMarch 14, 2214... I'm going to stop giving the Earth dates out now... ifyou don't like it, you can file a report to the complaint department inquadruplicate and see if anyone cares.) This really didn't mean too muchto Earth, since upon Earth's surrender, the Whiyar planted a very big flagand left for slightly over the next two hundred years. In fact, the daythey returned was the day after Mars blew Earth to space dust. The fewhumans that still remain in the universe were colonists of the moon whenthe Earth was destroyed. Stupid humans were never able to get any furtheron their own.
The Whiyar flag is a big orange rectangle with a blue Whiyar's facesmiling while purple blood drips out of the center of his forehead. Thehead of a Whiyar looks like the head of a porcupine, with larger spikes,ram's horns, antlers, tucks, and fangs. They did not look very friendly,and they tended not to act very friendly either.
Now that you have some fairly useless data about history, we will startgetting into the story.
Marox Lebox was having the grand re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-openingof Crash Landing, a bar on the mining astroid of Gletiv IX. Marox was ablack Linneb. These basically looked like human sized fur balls with onebig hairy mammalian arm reaching out of the top center with a thumb oneither side of the three fingers. At the tip of each finger and thumb waswhat seemed to resemble a bird's foot. There was a big black eye one theupper half of the body and a big black pointed beak just below on the lowerhalf. Below this was a hairy mammalian leg ending in a foot that matchedhis hand, and only as a matter of social convention was it used as a footrather than a hand. The less civilized Linnebs were well known for hoppingabout upside-down, to the complete disgust of the upper class society.There were stern obscenity laws passed to regulate such actions.
The astroid was colonized about 11 yebros (about 1.23 decades) ago.At about that time, in this same location, a bar was opened called Gletiv'sGloatix. On Noheros 34, 11236 an alien being intentionally crashed hisspace craft into the astroid, planning to hit the United Federation forthe Reclamation of Lost Souls (UFRLS) building and kill everyone in it.The organization existed to con beings out of their money by convincingthe suckers that they would bring their dead relatives back to life. Theyhad been in business for the past 36 yebros, made a vast fortune everyyebro and had a perfect track record of not bringing anyone back to lifeyet. One discouraged customer who had sent all his worldly possessionsto UFRLS and could not get his wife back from the dead had therefore decidedhis life was not living. He decided that UFRLS was to blame for most ofhis misery and was going to kill them all. He stole a rather large cargoship and planned to fly into their main headquarters, only he accidentallyhit the wrong building; the building he hit was Gletiv's Gloatix. Aftera couple dowths (a dowan is about a half of a month) to rebuild, it reopenedas Crash Landing, however a similar freak accident happened on Noheros34, 11237, and on Noheros 34, for every yebros following from then untilpresent. In each event, a homicidal, suicidal, kamikaze tried flying aspaceship into a different building on the planet, but accidentally crashedthere instead. The local racketeering service was placing 20,000 to 1 oddsthat another spacecraft would crash this yebros on that date and 50,000to 1 that the bar keep would not have the guts to stay open on that date.Another 50,000 to 1 said that if the bar stayed open on that date, theowner and upper management would not be there at all that day. But thatday is nearly a yebro away so it doesn't really matter at all right now.
The first customer was to be Pakpi Miweh. Pakpi was rumored to be thefastest laser slinger in the west... only problem was, in space, thereis no west and Pakpi made a snail look like a faster than light spacecraft.If that was not enough, he never touched a laser and would have no ideawhat to do with one if he ever had his hands on one. But this did not inany way force Pakpi to deny the rumor and only luck had it that nobodyhad ever decided to test him. Pakpi was one of the rarer and less intelligentspecies in the Whiyar Federation. In other words, he was human, althoughhe made it a point to insist that it was not his fault. He was the stereotypicalhuman. All he ever wanted to do was to get fucked up on any chemical hecould, relieve his hormones on who- or what- ever was handy and inexpensive,and watch sports on the Trivid all day. He was about 35 and a completeslob... both undernourished and overweight. His cloths were dirty and ripped.
The third creature to enter the bar was one of the Whiyar themselves,and not that a Whiyar ever looked particularly happy, but this one lookedespecially unhappy...
The Whiyar, who we will call Stroterous, because his real name is incomprehensiblefor your feeble mind, sat down on the barstool. A slime oozing Flaterbumuscrawled through the door. This slug like creature with an impossibly smallerbrain than a human has less common sense but a bigger craving for alcohol.The stupid Flaterbumus, not remembering that you don't talk to pissed offWhiyars if you value your life, sat down next to him. The bartender hada big mess to clean up when the Flaterbumus lost his head. You see theFlaterbumus is an odd creature, it is basically hollow, just one big gut.This gut is under such pressure that when something punctures the skinthe whole creature blows up leaving a sticky, paste like slime on everythingaround it. The slime has a odor so nauseating that any life form lowerthan a Wartiver will instantly throw up making the smell that much worse.Stroterous, disgusted by the smell, threw up on the human and ran out ofthe bar. The closest place to seek shelter from public humiliation wasthe UFRLS building next door. The guards are usually strict about lettingpeople in, but one smell of Stroterous and they were to busy throwing up.The stupid human letting curiosity control him, thought this would be agood opportunity to really see what goes on in the United Federation forthe Reclamation of Lost Souls. He followed the Whiyar around the buildinglaughing at all the people throwing up around him.
Down the hall two Krilipian's were whispering. "I did it!, I inventeda serum which will actually bring dead beings back to life," said the tallone holding a beaker of steaming liquid. "Don't bull shit me, I don't havetime for your games!"
The Whiyar, only hearing part of the conversation assumed that the Krilipiansaid he smelled like bull shit, ran in with his dagger in hand. In shock,the Krilipian through the beaker in the sink and fell to the ground. Stroterousrealized he was helpless so the Whiyar decided to butcher the other onefirst. The dagger went smoothly into his stomach and glided up into hisneck. With great agility Stroterous swung around to the Kripilian's backand with one hand pushed all the bodily organs out through the hole infront. Stroterous then leaped over to the other victim who by now was soakedin his friend's warm blood. Stroterous hesitated when he saw a tear drippingfrom the pitiful creature's eye but only to appreciate it. He decided hesaw enough tears so he took the Krilpian's eyes out. Then with his daggerhe dug deeply into the eye socket and pulled out a chunk of his brain.Even if the rest of the day was like hell the taste of a steaming brainon his tongue always made him feel better.
Sometime far in the future and 7.23890 retaz away (739 parsecs) wasa human named Uxuthu. Uxuthu was a human being who gained immortality whenhe "accidentally" blew up the Earth on 114,698 ZB (Earth was recolonizedin 113,698 ZB). Uxuthu was a strange sort of human, he was not like theother humans who liked to collect coins or comics. His idea of fun wasblowing up things, like planets, suns, stupid humans (which basically coverapproximately 9.7 billion at the current date when he blew up the planetEarth), Whiyars with bad attitudes (which basically covered 99.9976% oftheir population) and his favorite number two pencils (which made up 90%of all the writing utensils in the western half of the galaxy (P.S. thereis no west in space, so basically 50% of the galaxy.))
Uxuthu in his ship, which ironically is shaped like a pack of dynamite,travels around the universe looking for things to blow up. On 212,349 ZB(earth time 489,322 A.D)(1) he came acrossa sleazy bar named Crash Landing he decided to do just that.
Uxuthu went into his war room and planned out a beautiful attack; heplaced seven Uxuthian War Heads in a row around his ship which made itlook like an old cowboy ammunition belt (A cowboy is an old earthling whichliked to carry around a piece of metal that made people fall backwardswhen he pulled a little metal trigger and they also liked to ride on thebacks of these four legged creatures that were known for taking big shits).
Anyway, after Uxuthu took a nice shit in his Renyv toilet (A geneticallybred animal that looks like an old earth toilet and likes to eat and drinkshit and piss), he prepared his final assault on a nearby world 0.17 retazfrom the bar. His plan was to go to the bar afterwards and have a nicegerssdf drink, which is made from six parts Jartex blood and three partsKiplihno urine (stirred with a number two pencil, which afterwards he wouldblow up everything within 6 cubic miles of the pencil).
He fired up his engine and unleashed his ship, The War Pigeon, intothe bar, accidentally, and blew up 16% of the galaxy in that area. StrangelyUxuthu lived and found himself in his space suit in orbit around a strangeplanet were the organisms on that planet invented the Q-tip before thewheel. Uxuthu, very pissed off, tried to take his own life when a Panforahwhore ship picked him up and he decided to wait a while before he committedsuicide. He also was informed that he was thrown back in time to Noheros39, 11237.
Noheros 11237 was a very good dowan, at least as far as the Chimpanpagnewent. (Being that France was destroyed on Earth long ago, the Chimpanzeeswere taken because everyone else in the galaxy knew that their urine wasvery intoxicating (albeit somewhat bitter.) Hence, the beverage Chimpanpagnewas born (and copyrighted by the city of Chimpanzeeum, QQludi, Mars.) Indeed,there was much Chimpanpagne going around when Uxuthu was picked up by thePanforah whore ship.
Now, not everyone from planet Panforah is a whore; only all the women.Men aren't whores, because they are socially conditioned to pay money (oftenlots of it) for sex. Of course, generally, the offering is relatively small,about enough for a cup of coffee, but the fee is mostly a traditional,symbolic thing held over to gratify the women's egos and keep the malessuppressed by this Femi-nazi society. Of course, there is one mating ritualwhich is considered sacred by the Panforahs. It's not terribly important,so I won't tell you. Anyway, the word Femi-nazi comes from- what, you sayyou'll kill me if I don't tell you? Well, by the time you read this, I'llprobably be dead; however, since I am an obsessive compulsive paranoid,I will tell you, so that I don't have to live the rest of my life in fearof everyone who read this.The Most Important Mating Ritual of the Panforah
The Panforah is a Feminine dominated, man-hating gender that rules Panforah(theplanet). They are ultra-environmentalists, and under their laws the SpottedOwl has more rights than a male. Of course, this doesn't stop them fromimporting and consuming Chimpanpagne; after all, chimpanzees look too muchlike males to have any rights. Abortion on demand is not only a right,but an obligation of all Panforah women. It is the equivalent to a Communion,or Bar Mitzvah (old human rituals of adulthood's coming). This, in theory,sets the tone for resolving the overpopulation problem; however, thereis no overpopulation problem on Panforah; however, the state run newspaper,The Glori Steinham Times, chooses not to shed light on this false fear(after all, the Femi-nazis invented the false fear to begin with.) Anyway,before having sex, it is Panforah law to kill an infant, preferably anunborn one. This way, promiscuity can be rationalized by saying, well,someone may be getting pregnant, but someone is also dying, so the populationwon't go up. And this is justified because the infant to be killed canbe either male or female, thus, claim the Panforah, ensuring equality toall adults!
Uxuthu was very eager to enjoy the whores' talents, but his currencywas from another planet at another end of the time spectrum. So, he agreedto be put to work as a dildo to earn enough money, in theory, to pay forsex. Well, the Panforah weren't too bright, for Uxuthu was tired of allthe sex he had to "work" for. He didn't want to spend his capital justto have sex with the same females he'd been copulating with all along!Plus, his morality wouldn't let him kill babies if it wasn't just a partof the job or part of blowing things up (which he considered a job). So,he refused to buy any sex, and this angered the whores, who thereby conspiredto arrange a love affair with a "non-conformist" Panforahian, who trickedUxuthu into marriage, under which by Panforahian law he would have to payfor sex whenever sex was desired, by either party. Plus, he would haveto buy 100 shares of stock in Gloria Steinham Times, to give him an economicbase and therefore an interest in keeping this mainstay of the Femi-nazisalive and thriving. Uxuthu was married to Lilith 717, whom he soon foundto be the feminist secret agent she really was. However, something specialhappened between them. Uxuthu's tales of the future got Lilith to do somethingno Panforah women ever do to men: listen to what they have to say. Well,she soon became enthralled with his stories, and then him. After a while,they planned to run away to another planet so they could live free fromthe Femi-nazis and their infanticidal society. Just as they were aboutto leave, the spaceship union went on strike. So they waited, and waited,and waited, until one day....
Uxuthu heard word of a non-union ship headed to Gletiv IX. He probablycould have found an earlier flight out if he really wanted to, but it wasa lot of work hearing about non-union ships. Panforah law prevented non-unioncompanies from doing even the slightest bit of advertizing. Even hanginga sign on a store saying that it is a store was considered advertizingand was illegal if the store owner did not belong to some form of union.This meant that most people, who were given a choice in the matter andhad any need to advertize, would join a union; either that, or they wouldgo out of business, go broke, and get executed for vagrancy (another measureto prevent over population). For Uxuthu to have heard about a differentnon-union ship, he would have had to advertise his desire to find one,thus breaking Panforah law since he did not belong to a union. It was onlyluck that Uxuthu was sitting in a bar on Panforah next to the pilot ofa ship that flew ore back and forth from Gletiv IX. Uxuthu remembered thebar there that he had later in time, but earlier in his life, accidentallydestroyed, and asked if it had been opened yet. He was then informed ofthe legend of the bar and decided that it must have been fate that causedhim to crash into the bar. He then decided that he hated the idea of fate,especially since it ruined his plans. He decided his new mission in lifewas to deny fate and protect that bar from ever being accidentally destroyedagain, especially by himself. He asked for passage to Gletiv IX for bothhim and his wife and was allowed it in exchanged for a minimal sum of moneyand his wife's services (it was a Panforah law that a man should pimp forhis own wife if given the time and/or the opportunity).
The trip to Gletiv was long, boring, and uncomfortable for Uxuthu whorode in the cargo section which was almost empty except for some suppliesthat were packed away so they could neither be observed nor played with.Aside from the supplies and Uxuthu, there was only air to keep him alive(actually to keep anyone who went in there alive, but nobody ever did,except three times a day when a robot came with food for him and then leftimmediately... the robot really did not need to air). His wife rode thepilot up in the command center for the entire trip (except while they wereeating, unless they were eating each other, but that is somewhat different,or sleeping, unless you mean that in a less than literal sense).
The trip lasted about half a yebros. Uxuthu felt that this was probablythe worst torture he had ever endured, so he decided to blow up the entirecraft, the pilot, and especially the robot (who teased him with the thoughtof possible companionship three times a day, but provided absolutely none)as soon as he got off. (He considered not waiting, since they would havethe supplies to do it in the cargo hold with him somewhere and if he reallytried, he could probably open the crates, but he decided that with hisluck he would wind up doing so just as they arrived at Gletiv IX and accidentallydestroy the bar that he was determined to protect from fate; he had notbeen overly concerned about his wife who didn't see fit to take a breakfrom work and visit him, or at least plea for him to be released from thecargo hold; nor was he afraid for his own life since he was immortal.)
When the ship arrived, he decided to blow up his wife too, since shewas still busy with the pilot. Along the way he had prepared the explosivesand obtained a remote detonator from a couple of the crates. He also preparedan army of robots that would run into objects with tons of explosives anddetonate upon smashing into them, as long as they were not to close toeither him or Crash landing. He didn't know what he was going to use themfor, but he felt that they could be useful eventually, so he programmedthem to go run out of the ship as soon as the cargo bay opened and returnto him when he pressed a button on a homing beacon he built.
When the cargo bay door opened, he ran out with his robots and thentriggered the remote detonator when he has at a relatively safe distanceto watch from. It was a magnificent sight. It was better then he couldhave hoped for since the explosion of the ship triggered off the explosionson several other ships, many of which also had explosives on board. Bythe time the explosions stopped, an area the size of New Jersey (and coincidentlyin a similar shape) had been completely annihilated. This amused him greatlyand felt that for an explosion that size, the only better target wouldhave been the actual state of New Jersey (a state he especially hated beforehe blew up the Earth and one of the major reasons behind it).
After the explosion, he decided to check into one of the local barsand found himself walking into the Crash Landing. Just to be on the safeside, he asked the bar tender for the date. He learned it was Jredizapos42, 11247. He then asked the Linneb for a gerssdf drink. He then askedthe bar tender to turn on a news channel on the bar's Trivid. He was notvery up to date on current matters and he fancied himself as being knowledgeableso he wanted to rectify that. The bar tender agreed since Uxuthu obviouslyhad expensive taste in drink.
This act disturbed a human customer named Pakpi who was watching theCewrot Blood-Clots play the Satfier Delupinas in a game of Filpos.
Cewrots are seven foot tall creatures, with two legs that made up thelower six feet and ended in suction cups with a one foot radius and couldapply tremendous pressure; their two arms were also six feet tall, eachended in two tentacles that were each a foot tall, and were each locatedabout a half a foot above the legs; they were about two feet wide and onefoot long; there sensory organs are not visible and are not comprehensibleto humans. The cewrot mouth is full of sharp teeth and located where ahuman's genitals would be; I'll let you guess were the genitals are...WRONG! The genitals are located inside there mouths. Reproduction is causedby the two Cewrots deep kissing and allowing saliva to be exchanged. Duringthe act of kissing (or any other act which causes the emotional stimulationof the Cewrot), two substances are released. One is an enzyme which neutralizesthe powerful stomach acids and prepares the stomach for transformationinto a womb. The other is a fluid containing reproductive cells. Once thesaliva of one is mixed with the saliva of the other, if it is swallowed,the creature becomes pregnant. During the pregnancy, food is diverted toa second stomach which will be formed. This stomach may also be impregnatedin which case a third will form, and so on. The term lasts for about twoyebros and then the stomach is sealed and ejected, containing the offspring.The offspring is protected from the sharp teeth by the wall of the stomach,which becomes sufficiently ripped to allow the release of the child. Thebaby is about two inches in height and appears to be like the parents andgrow to full height in a yebros under ideal conditions.
(Just so you know, the value of the yebros in relation to the valueof a year varies because of a very wide inconsistency of the rate of time).
A Satfier is a being which is nearly incomprehensible to humans in justabout every way. It is sort of a blob, but unless you know it, you won'tthink of it as one when you look at it (it has too much of a shape)...but if you knew it, you would have a hard time looking at it as anythingelse because it appears to be nothing more than a blob (it is too amorphous).
Filpos is a sport which is more incomprehensible than the Satfiers.The objective is completely unclear to all but the referees who seem toact quite randomly. There are many strange objects passed around to a teammade up of what ever number of players it takes for the entire team toweight about 63 gwets (about a 2.54 tons). Some of which are weapons andothers of which have no clear purpose. The game usually ends in a drawwith most if not all of the players (and usually the spectators and referees)either dead or severely injured. It was Pakpi's favorite game and thesewere his favorite teams. He decided to have a word with Marox and Uxuthu...
1. Editor's note: just so you don'tget the wrong idea about me, I am not a liar. I did not tell you any moreearth dates. This chapter was written by one of the other writers.
Although this project has been dormant since 1992, I'd like to findsome more writers and start it back up again. If you have an idea, sendit to me at email@example.com and I may install it into this tale.