Brian Matthew Kessler

Dear 45059 (For lack of a better name or other phrase for reference, although I assume in reality you are not a number but rather a free woman),

As I'm sure you've figured out by now, this is being written in reply to an as in the Press Match Personals section of the NYPress. (Forgive me if any part of this letter seems stupid, but I don't make a regular habit of answering personals; in fact, this is the first time I am doing so. It would seem even more stupid if I answered by phone and was left babbling to a machine, which is half the reason I don't do so... the other half being that I have 900 blocking.)

In response to your 24, I am 19, although this number is something which I have found to be completely superficial, especially in my personal case. I have known 14 and 15 year olds to behave as if in their 30s or 40s and 33 year olds to act as if they have not hit puberty. This is mostly due to my days as a modem user and calling and running various Bulletin Board Systems and Diversi-Dial Chat Systems over the computer several years ago. I fit into the former category putting many of my friends into shock. Although I admit that age is superficial, I am generally attracted to older women of about 24 (with about 2 years tolerance in either direction). Women much younger seem tend to be too immature, naive, and indecisive or confused to what they really want in a man or a relationship. Women who are older tend to have a difficult time relating because of the age gap, and although it has never bothered me much, some of the women I have known have told me that my age bothers them and makes them feel like they would be cradle robbers.

In response to intelligent, I graduated from Union High School as 33 out of 386 with a 1210 SAT score (700 Math, 510 English). I could have done better than 33 if I tried, but I was not motivated. Everyone who did better than me (and many who did worse) worked their asses off and had no life while I was out having fun all the time. Those same people also had little intelligence outside of book knowledge and as an example I will mention the response given by the girl who graduated 14th in the class when my Advanced Chemistry teacher jokingly stated that automatic toilets worked because their was a guy peeping through a hole in the wall flushing them: "Really?"

Great looking is both subjective and superficial (although I admit that it is nearly impossible to have a physical relationship with those who physically disgust you. I think I am great looking as far as men go, but I also tend to think of men as rather repulsive and ugly beasts, and in my opinion my looks are only good in so far as my appearance tends towards the feminine. I look great in drag, but I never dress that way in public. (On two different occasions, I've had a girl put makeup on me, the latter time also putting me in a dress). I've had many girls tell me I'm "hot" and I've overheard several talking about me that also said it. I would include a photo, but I don't have any that are more recent than my sophomore year of high school, and that picture is one of the very worst ever taken of me. In order to supply a picture I would have to either buy film and batteries for my camera or go hunt down a machine that takes them and spend money on it. (I am not very keen on the idea of spending money to meet someone when I am not desperate to... especially when I have less than $40 to my name. The reasons I am writing this letter are simple: A) It is 1:44 AM, I'm not tired, I have nothing better to do. B) A postage stamp isn't too expensive and perhaps you might actually find this letter interesting and a great friendship, at the very least (although I have no objection to more once I have a better idea about who you are) and who knows what at the most, may occur, making the investment worth while. C) I like to write, but I can't bring myself to write for the sake of writing, I need someone to write to and "Dear Diary" just doesn't cut it... so what if I write personal things to a complete stranger... I'm not planning on getting into politics where it can be used to blackmail me, if the person has a problem with the real me, I probably won't ever have to deal with them and if they can't deal with the real me, I'd rather not deal with them, but if they like the real me, there is no better way for me to let them get to know me.)

... but I have digressed severely. Being that I lack a photo, I will attempt to describe myself. I am thin. I have long dark hair that turns reddish after it has been exposed to sunlight for a long time. I have hazel eyes. I tend to wear black T-shirts, gray jeans, black leather boots, and at first glance, someone would probably decide (somewhat incorrectly) that I am a burn-out metal head. (In reality, I am not a burn out and I hardly listen to metal anymore, since it is getting too boring... I still like the classic metal, but I find myself listening to a lot of punk, industrial, techno, alternative, and my favorite - shock rock... as well as various other forms of music (notably excluding rap, unless it has been crossed over with heavy metal or hard core punk). The best way to find out what I look like is to meet me in person... in the unlikely event that you find me ugly, the most you will have wasted is a single day, at most.

As for your being thin, I admit that I find that somewhat of a disappointment, since I tend to like women who are slightly overweight (but not obscenely so), but I would never condemn anyone for it, or even give them a hard time about it, and I have known many women who looked great thin (unless we are talking to the point of being nothing but skin and bone).

As for "looking... to start a healthy monogamous relationship"... I am looking to start a healthy relationship.... but I have a slight problem with the m-word being in there, even though, by nature I tend to be monogamous and admit to having been with only three different women in my life. The reason: I firmly believe that commitments should be towards each others happiness and not towards each other. If both people are keeping each other happy and acting responsibly about their actions, I don't think it is fair for either to tell the other what they should or should not do in their spare time. Also, different people have different needs... as one comedian put it: "What if he refuses to wear the cowboy hat?" Furthermore, commitments of monogamy tend to a lot of jealousy, dishonesty, distrust, and invoking the law of the forbidden. A friend of mine has been in a monogamous relationship for some time where both she and her boyfriend were always suspecting each other and lying about innocent things in order to avoid suspicion. Furthermore, people have a natural tendency to rebel when told not to do something. In addition, I would rather have a relationship with someone who I know I can trust, even if I know that means they may be with someone else, then be with someone who may or may not be honest with me. A statistic I've seen says that 85% of all married individuals have had at least one affair and there is much less incentive not to cheat when your not married. Finally: shit happens. I want to be able to live my life to the max, as well as I want the people I care about to have this opportunity. If you make commitments to the contrary, either you limit yourself or you have to be dishonest and potentially deal with guilt as well. A relationship should be a key that unlocks doors and provides opportunities, not a cage that seals you off from them.

For the record, and in the interest of being honest, I need to also sight one other problem with the idea of a monogamous relationship... she is named Juli. We have been seeing each other since early in July and have always had an open relationship (although I never really took advantage of this situation, except for one incident in September when I was in Montreal, but there were many extenuating circumstances). During July and early August she fulfilled my needs so I really didn't need to look elsewhere. Since then she has had trouble finding time for me (although it has very little with her taking advantage of our having an open relationship, although I know she is seeing someone named Eric (who is very bothered by my relationship with Juli, has no life of his own and does not want Juli to have one either))... she has work, and she has bag pipes, and she has a mother in Parsippany, and bills, and shopping, and laundry... and when all is said and done, she sees me maybe one day a week if I am lucky. While I have nothing to complain about the quality of our relationship, the quantity sucks and I need someone to fill the gap... perhaps in time, whoever fills this gap may wind up replacing her, if she keeps me happy and has enough time for me, however I am not yet ready to give up on Juli. (Also for the record, if Juli were to start having more time for me, I would not let it effect my relationship with whoever I may find to fill in for her. (Why do I have this weird feeling that your going to turn out to be someone that knows her... aside from your being the same age?)

Well, that's enough for now... if your interested (be it as just a friend or more), feel free to write or call as you wish. If your not... well, life goes on and all I've wasted is a postage stamp, four sheets of paper, and some ink... nothing to panic about.